


Adventures Into The Unknown

by Caylin, Gussyman



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humour (at the guys expense), Re-Post(so sorry), Talk about female anatomy(not that way!), We swear we weren't drunk when we wrote this, anytime, probably post 4th season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 00:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17693885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caylin/pseuds/Caylin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gussyman/pseuds/Gussyman
Summary: SG-1 returns from a mission changed in ways even they had never thought of.





	Adventures Into The Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone uncomfortable talking about human anatomy and life processes probably won’t like this. This was written as simply a farce of sorts. An exploration into the world of ‘What if?’ if you will.
> 
> This was co-written with Caylin and I apologize for the re-post(especially for those who left the kudos, there were appreciated really). I was unsure as to who exactly I had attached the co-author to and thought perhaps it was not the right account.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Don’t own them, some we wish we did, but that’s neither here nor there. Not making any money off this by any means. Feedback is more than welcome. Flames will be fed to my cat or used to heat her lecture halls. Take your pick. We hope you have as much fun reading this as we had writing it.

The klaxons blared announcing the arrival of travelers. The Sergeant on duty waited for the iris code to be confirmed and announced that SG-1 was on its way back through. General Hammond, in his normal routine, went to meet them after ordering the iris open.

As the General arrived at the end of the ramp Sam and Teal'C rolled onto the metal ramp. Quickly followed by two unfamiliar figures in uniforms. The General concerned for his primary team and surrogate family gruffly asked, "Where are Colonel O'Neill and Doctor Jackson and who are these two people?" as the Iris closed.

Sam and Teal'C glanced back while unsuccessfully stifling giggles.

"Uh, sir, General. Um," Daniel stuttered while trying to form a reasonable explanation.

"Well, sir, it's us." Jack stated.

Hammond stared at the figures before him. Sam and Teal'C were their usual selves, but the two behind them were very definitely female in gender and bore a striking resemblance to his missing 'children.' "What did you touch this time, Doctor Jackson?" The general asked in bemusement.

Daniel's jaw dropped at the assumption it was his fault. It wasn't always his fault. Jack had touched the crystal on the planet with the yellow sand and the device of the ancients.

"Actually it was Carter, sir." Jack offered, his voice an octave or so higher than usual.

Sam glared at her CO. "It would have been fine if you two had stayed out of the circle marked on the floor, ma'am" She added the title to irritate him.

Teal'C finally stopped giggling. "DanielJackson was attempting to remove O'Neill from the ray of light." He stated in his usual calm voice.

"Thank you, Teal'C." Daniel stated, feeling vindicated.

"My apologies Doctor Jackson." General Hammond stated.

Meanwhile up in the control room the sergeant slid the SG-1 betting book out from under the desk. He opened it to the latest page for SG-1 and scanned it to see if anyone had won. No one had bet on returning with reversed genders for any or all of the team. The closest to a win was Doctor Jackson's own bet of returning uninjured. Since they were all on their feet and no one was bleeding it counted as a win.

"Lucky dog," muttered the Sergeant. He looked again at Doctor Jackson on the ramp and wondered if a new betting pool would emerge from this, realizing Doctor Jackson was quite a looker. Colonel O'Neill on the other hand, reminded him of his grandmother, just in much better physical health. 'Good thing the marines are off world. Colonel O'Neill would never hear the end of it. Wonder who would bid the most for the security videos?' A smile flickered across his face.

The General fought to control himself in front of his team. "To the infirmary, debriefing ....... when Doctor Fraiser allows it." He said defeated, as a chuckle escaped him. He adjourned to his office. Fighting laughter every step of the way.

Daniel sighed in exasperation and dread, not at the tests Janet would want to perform on them, but at the catcalls Jack and he were most likely to attract. He looked at Jack wondering if Jack actually realized what they were in for on their way to the infirmary.

Jack, meanwhile, clutched his sidearm, thinking the first Airman to open his mouth would be the first to feel the wrath of O'Neill in menopause mode. Jack shook his head, not believing he'd just thought that.

SG-1 made their way through the halls of the SGC. Many personnel stopped and gawked, but seeing the look on Teal'C's face quickly turned their attention elsewhere. The four stepped into the infirmary.

Janet, not even looking up from her clipboard, gestured for the team to take their usual places. Deciding for a change of pace to examine Colonel O'Neill first, she stepped up to the gurney and finally looked up. "Oh my God!" Janet exclaimed as she took an involuntary step back. She scanned the room for the others, almost giving herself whiplash in the process, to find Sam and Teal'C apparently normal, but Daniel ..... not. "Oh my God." she stated more quietly as she dropped her clipboard.

"Uh, Janet it's not as bad as it seems," Daniel tried to reassure her while realizing he didn't sound quite like himself.

Sam and Teal'C tried for the umpteenth time to stifle themselves but failing as they had since the incident started. Sam, finally able to control herself, started to explain. "We were in the ruins of an old temple, when I, um, accidentally leaned against a pillar. Colonel O'Neill happened to be in a spot he shouldn't have been and Daniel tried to move him when a light came up from the floor. When the light cleared, this is what we saw," she gestured at the Colonel and the archaeologist.

Janet looked Daniel over slowly. "I'm going to need to run a full range of tests, DNA sequencing, blood type, you know, the usual."

Jack and Daniel groaned at the idea of all the needles. Or at least they tried to groan, it came out as more like high pitched sighs.

Sam grinned. "Don't forget the...." She raised an eyebrow at Janet to remind her of the female equivalent of the complete annual exam she usually gave the males.

"Oh, yes. I have to remember to do a pap smear also." Janet added as she picked her clipboard up off the floor and started making notes.

Jack and Daniel looked at each other blankly. "Pap smear?" They asked in harmony.

Even Teal'C raised an eyebrow.

Janet gestured at Sam. "Do you want to explain?"

Sam snorted inelegantly. "You're the Doctor, you would be able to explain it better. I'm sure you can find a video of it somewhere right?"  
Janet nodded. "I think I have a copy of yours from last year. By the way I think you're almost due for another, aren't you?" She asked sweetly.

Sam glared but said nothing, no point in making Janet mad when she was already irked and off balance at the changes in her boyfriend.

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud would one of you just explain what it is!" Jack shrilled.

Janet shook her head. She had never expected to be in the position of having to explain what a pap smear was to her boyfriend just before performing one on him. Her? She questioned herself. "What it is, is a check for precancerous cells on the cervical wall. What I do is insert a device into the vagina to expand it so I can examine it and take a sample."

Jack and Daniel paled as they clamped their legs closed. Even Teal'C looked uncomfortable, which for him was saying a lot.

Sam giggling again stated. "You get used to it. After a few years." She looked away from the two men turned women. "I just hope we get you back to the way you were before ...," she trailed off.

Daniel and Jack both looked at Janet, uncomprehending. Janet thought for a moment about what Sam would be referring to before she clued in and shook her head in mirth.

"Uh, Janet?" Daniel asked tentatively with a befuddled look on his face.

Janet coughed politely. "What Sam is referring to is a woman's monthly menstrual cycle. We have no idea if either of you have the proper..... plumbing required."

"I'm not a woman." Jack thought a moment. "Besides wouldn't I be going through menopause?"

Sam and Janet's eyes widened to plates as the possible implications hit them. "Good Lord I hope not." Janet stated vehemently before she realized whom she'd said it to. She glanced at the Colonel.

Jack's face was stone but the eyes gleamed. Revenge would be sweet. Sweeter if it were served cold.  
Daniel hesitantly spoke up, "Well, I don't have the uh, plumbing I used to. Of that I'm sure." He looked at a suddenly interesting spot on the floor.

To which, Janet silently prayed would be fixed as promptly as possible. She shook her head to clear her thoughts and got back down to business. She drew the curtain on a particular gurney and gestured for one of the two newly initiated women to join her behind the curtain.

Daniel stood up to enter first and get it over and done with. Jack stopped Daniel to silently wish him good luck. Daniel slowly entered the examining area. Upon entering a gown was thrust in his direction and Janet disappeared to gather up the required equipment.

She returned, carrying among other things, a clear plastic contraption.

"What's that?" he asked nervously.

Janet smiled tightly. "It's called a speculum."

"And what's it for?"

"So I can look inside to make sure everything's normal." The CMO answered.

"Inside where?" the archaeologist asked nervously remembering past exams.

"Inside your vagina." Janet answered in a matter-of-fact voice.

Daniel's widened. "How is it gonna fit?"

Janet smiled slightly. "It's smaller than ..." She trailed off, her eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Oh." Daniel smiled weakly. "Okay. But do we have to?"

"Yes." Janet nodded.

Meanwhile out in the Infirmary proper, the General entered just as Jack heard a high-pitched yelp, followed by an indignant, "That's cold."

Jack's eyes widened in fear, a feeling he'd become all too familiar with since joining the SGC, just for a different reason this time. Sam snickered. Teal'C raised an eyebrow as if to say, 'What the..?' And the General shook his head in confusion, the feeling he'd become all too familiar with since the reactivation of the Stargate.

"How is everything going?" The base commander asked his second in command.

"Uh, well, she hasn't stabbed anyone yet, sir." Jack replied in his unusually high voice.

The General raised his eyebrows at Jack's peculiar statement. Hammond happened to glance in Sam's direction and notice her smirk. "Major Carter, may I ask what is so amusing?"

Sam, having been caught, blushed slightly and straightened. "Uh, well, sir, since the Colonel and Daniel have, uh, switched genders, Janet felt it was necessary to perform a full physical for their new gender to make sure there are no side effects beyond the obvious."

The General, having been married, understood completely. "Say no more, Major, I understand. Since this is a rather uncomfortable situation, I suggest you stick close to both the Colonel and Doctor Jackson."

The Major nodded in agreement as she and Teal'C had already planned to.

Janet came into view, called, "Next," just as Daniel came out, walking carefully. A slight look of discomfort on his face and his hand behind his back to keep his gown closed.

Jack hesitated. If Daniel was walking like that it had to hurt. Jack cleared his throat as if to say something, but decided discretion was the better part of valour in a case like this. He forlornly walked a green mile that was all too short in his opinion. He entered the curtained off area only to be handed a gown as Daniel had.

Janet smiled sweetly. "Change." she instructed.

"Would you please turn around?" Jack asked.

"Colonel, you haven't got anything, even now, that I'm not familiar with." Janet stated, reminding him she was not only a doctor but a female doctor.

"Yeah but ......" Jack's voice trailed off at her look. He sighed as he pulled the gown on and hopped up onto the table as indicated.

Janet started by taking blood samples before leaving to drop his and Daniel's off at the lab and retrieving a sterile speculum.

Jack opened his mouth to object to the exam but seeing the look again on the CMO's face he shut it.

In the main room of the Infirmary, Daniel heard Jack's higher pitched yelp and grimaced as he thought of what Jack was going through. General Hammond smiled. 'Revenge is sweet,' he thought, remembering all the times the Colonel had been insubordinate.

Janet returned to the room followed by Jack, clutching his gown closed with one hand while tugging the front down with the other and walking a little funny. Janet reached into a cabinet and pulled out two sample cups, "I'll need you two to fill these. Sam would you accompany them so they don't get lost?" Janet stopped a moment then shook her head.

Jack looked at the cup then at Daniel before glaring at Janet. "And we're supposed to fill these how?"

Janet looked expectantly at the Colonel. "I'd have Major Carter show you but ..... if we get you changed back that would be a breach of Regulations. So, I guess that leaves me to show Daniel."

"If you get us changed back, Doc?" Jack asked, pressing the 'if.' "And why not show me too?" Jack whined, not really realizing what he was implying.

Teal'C looked over at Jack with a raised eyebrow. "I believe that would also be a breach of Regulations, O'Neill. And I do not believe Doctor Fraiser would be willing to do so or that DanielJackson would approve."

Jack having finally realized what he'd asked, blushed profusely. For once in his life. With help from his particular dilemma. He looked over at Daniel apologetically and gestured for the archaeologist and Doctor to continue the explanation in private.

Janet took a breath and led Daniel into the washroom reserved for patients. After several moments they reappeared sample in Janet's hand. "Colonel, you're next." The CMO informed Jack.

Daniel, still by the door, waited patiently for Jack to work up his nerve. Then the two disappeared into the small room with the door partially closed, before Daniel exited a moment later, shutting the door tightly behind him. He looked at Janet his face pleading. "Can we get into some non-drafty clothes now?" he asked as he continued to hold the gown shut at the back.

Janet, while usually enjoying the sight of Daniel in a hospital gown, quickly decided this was not one of those times. She quickly gathered up smaller sized fatigues for her two patients as Jack finally emerged from the washroom. Everyone in the room looked his way.

"All I can say about that is, 'Ew," he stated to everyone.

"Well, Colonel, get used to it because that is how we womenfolk do it." Janet stated in a none too sympathetic voice.

"But we're not women!" Jack protested. "Normally."

Sam spoke, "Well, sir, you are now. And until we figure out how to change you and Daniel back, you're stuck doing things our way." A smug smile on her face.

Daniel looked forlorn. And then he groaned slightly.

"What?" Janet asked cautiously.

"I just realized, like this I, we ... ," he glanced around the room at his audience. "Uh, never mind, I'll explain later." He looked at Janet meaningfully.

Janet realized what he was referring to. "Yes. We can discuss that later."

Jack smirked. Sam blushed slightly. Teal'C's face remained expressionless. General Hammond cleared his throat before Jack could comment. The situation was embarrassing enough without his adding to it. "Major Carter how do you plan on going about fixing them?" he asked SG-1's second in command.

Daniel burst out. "Fix us? No. No way. I don't want to be fixed."

Everyone looked at him strangely.

"Something you've been wanting to tell us, Daniel?" Jack asked while glancing between Daniel and Janet.

Daniel started to realize what he had implied. "Uh. I want to be able to have kids. As a father." He added when he saw the look starting to cross Jack's face.

"Well, sir, it means going back to PY3-444 and the temple where this all started. And it means Daniel and the Colonel will have to be there with us." Sam answered while trying to ignore the previous tangent.

The General turned to Dr. Fraiser. "Doctor, do you expect there to be any more complications from their recent change?"

Janet replied, "So far everything looks normal but I would want to see the results from the blood work first. And even then, I think it would be safer if I went with them. In case an emergency arose."

The General nodded his head. "Agreed. Now if you're finished with them, Doctor? I'd like to have SG-1 explain to me exactly how this mess all started. In the Briefing Room." He smiled inwardly when two exasperated sighs escaped the group. 'Revenge really is sweet.' he thought to himself.

"Uh, sir. Can we get changed first?" Daniel requested dreading the thought of walking through the base as a woman, let alone in an examining gown.

Hammond turned to the archaeologist. "Of course." Although if it had been the Colonel who had requested it ... The General shook the thought away. He was getting revenge enough for the moment.

Jack and Daniel quickly grabbed the provided clothes and ducked into the curtained off area Janet had used earlier, to change. At first anyway. Daniel exited and went over to another one of the beds and pulled the curtain, saying, "Don't stare at me," over his shoulder to Jack, giving him an uncertain look in the process.

Jack quickly straightened, realizing what he was doing.

They finally exited from their respective curtained off areas and headed off to the Briefing Room. 

Later that Day.

Daniel was in his lab translating what he could from the video they had brought back from PY3-444 when someone knocked on the door. Daniel lifted his head, expecting to see Jack about to tell him to stop playing with his rocks and go to bed. Instead he saw Janet. He gestured for her to enter. As she did she shut the door behind herself. 

"Time for the 'talk?'" Daniel asked.

Janet nodded.

Daniel took a deep breath and let it out. "We can't see each other like this, I realize that. At least, mentally," he paused a moment. "At least, sort of." He was getting extremely confused. He finally understood why Jack had been staring at him while they were changing.

Janet nodded in agreement. "It's probably weirder for you though, since I'm still the same beautiful woman I was at breakfast." She smiled slightly at her comment. She remained silent for several moments. Which made Daniel reach out to her in concern. The CMO stepped back out of his reach.

Daniel quickly retracted his hand. "Right. When are we going back to the planet and please tell me it's tomorrow if not right now?"

Janet nodded. "We ship out in three hours. Don't tell the Colonel this but General Hammond wants the both of you off world before the Marines get back."

Daniel's eyes widened to plates. He quickly grabbed up anything he thought might be useful for translation off world. He packed everything up in his backpack and headed for the door.

Janet watched Daniel move faster in those few moments then when the rest of SG-1 returned from destroying the Replicators. "Daniel what are you doing?"

"I don't plan on being the last one ready this time." Daniel answered. "Besides, I don't want to enhance the impression of women always being late." He added before he realized what he said and who to.

Janet glared at Daniel. Then followed him as he headed to the gear up room to get dressed for the mission. 

Sam was already in the room when Janet knocked. Teal'C was waiting outside the room for Sam to finish before collecting Jack from  
his office. Daniel stood with Teal'C while the women got ready.

Janet and Sam emerged shortly and headed to the colonel's office to collect him while Daniel and Teal'C went in while Teal'C got changed. Meanwhile the two women arrived at Jack's office.

"Alright, Colonel. Time to come out and face your fans." Janet called.

"Mam, er Sir. We have to get ready to go back to PY3-444. The tests came out okay and General Hammond gave us a green light." Sam called through the door.

There was a moment of silence before Jack came out in a whirl of motion. Before Sam or Janet knew, Jack was more than halfway down the hall before he turned around and said, "Well, let's go. Let's go." With that Jack was gone. Janet and Sam exchanged amused glances before they rushed to catch up.

Sam stopped Janet just out of earshot of everyone for a moment. "You did remember to bring them, just in case?" The Doctor nodded.

Janet studied the camouflage they wore. "All things considered, was it a wise idea to wear desert camo?"

Before she could stop herself, Sam giggled. Then after several meaningful glares from her unfortunate teammates, Sam controlled herself.

Once everyone was prepared, they headed to the 'Gate room to disembark, the dial sequence already in progress. General Hammond was already there to see the team off. "I want reports from you every six hours since the Stargate is only a hop, skip and jump away. And the moment you have them back to normal, I want you back here as quick as possible. And don't touch anything else."

SG-1 and Dr. Fraiser nodded, understanding fully.

"You have a go SG-1." With that General Hammond stepped back from the ramp.

All members nodded and two more than anxious ones practically stampeded for the ramp and the event horizon beyond. Fortunately the ramp was wide enough for three men of Teal'C's size so the two slender women had no problem trying to race each other.

Janet and Sam exchanged glances. Teal'C raised an eyebrow before he exchanged a glance with the General. The base CO chuckled openly. Then the three others quickly double timed it through the 'Gate. Taking the MALP through with them.

 

The moment they were gone, the General looked down at Sergeant Davis. "Did you get it?"

Davis looked up at the General, a slow and deliberate smile spreading across his face. He held out a security tape to the General, who took it and disappeared up the stairs to his office.

PY3 444

Jack and Daniel waited impatiently for the few seconds it took for the others to arrive through the gate. Daniel pacing and Jack tapping his foot and glancing at his watch every microsecond.

Once the others arrived, Jack led a double time march to the temple. Or at least he started it at double time. Not being used to his new 'condition', he overbalanced and landed flat on his chest. Even Daniel could not stop himself from laughing.

Jack made his way to his feet rubbing his chest. "Ow. That hurt." He continued to rub but found that only made it worse. After a few seconds he noticed cramps in his abdomen had started and were steadily getting worse. But being the 'macho military man' he was, he ignored it. He cleared his throat, the irony of the situation not lost on him. As much as he might wish otherwise.

After several smaller incidents for both Daniel and Jack, they finally made it to the temple.

"Okay, Daniel start translating. If it's Goa'uld, Teal'c and Sam can help. Janet, you and I are going to look around for any other buttons." With that Jack glared at Sam. "And no one touch, I mean no one touch anything! No walls, no buttons. I'd add no floor but ..." He left it at that.

Sam shrugged thinking of the security tape she'd bribed out of Sergeant Davis of the Colonel as a woman. Definitely a keeper for later blackmail, especially around review time.

A couple hours later they had made very little progress. Teal'C and Daniel had confirmed it was Goa'uld in origin although a new dialect so the translation was going to take some time.

Jack wandered around poking his nose into any little crevice he could find without touching anything other than the floor. Another wave of cramps hit him. This wave more intense than any of the others. Jack doubled over to reduce the pain. Janet was in front of him and turned to face him as she heard the slight moan of pain.

'Oh. Please tell me this isn't what I think it is. I so don't want to have to explain this to the Colonel.' Janet thought as she moved closer to him.

She moved behind him and there it was. As bright or should she say dark as anything. "Uh, Colonel ..... Are you having severe cramps?" She tried to stifle a giggle.

The Colonel looked up from his spot on the floor. "What makes you think that?" the Colonel asked in his now squeaky voice.

That did Janet in. She burst out into hysterical giggles and promptly fell to the floor, rolling.

All the while Jack stood staring at her until he noticed his backside was colder than the rest of him. He bent lower to look between his legs and his eyes bugged out of his head. There, not so slowly making its way down to his knees, was a dark red stain. In his present state, the first thing that came to mind was he was, for some reason, bleeding to death.

Janet glanced over and noticed that the Colonel had suddenly gone extremely pale. And then the Colonel dropped like a stone. Face first into the stone floor. The CMO sobered immediately and was next to Jack in an instant. She rummaged through her medkit, looking for smelling salts.

As he regained consciousness, Janet helped him sit up and tilted his head forward to deal with the bloody nose, from his face plant, first.

"Why am I bleeding? Did I puncture something when I fell earlier?" Jack asked, serious for once. "Am I going to die?"

Janet smiled. "No, you're not going to die. What you're experiencing is...uh...normal. Do you remember when we were talking about the monthly cycle?"

She waited for his nod before continuing. "Well it's now that time of the month for you."

"You've got to be kidding!" Jack complained. "How long does this last again? Just in case."

"Usually about a week." Janet answered. "Although it can sometimes last longer."

"How much longer?" Jack inquired.

"A couple more days." She replied.

"So how do I deal with this? Is there some shot you can give me to make it go away?" Jack asked hopefully.

"If I had a shot to make it go away I would be so rich I wouldn't have to work ever again." Janet replied.

Jack thought back over his years with Sara. And of course Janet was right. He vaguely remembered Sara complaining every once in a while about this. He also recalled what was kept in the bathroom under the sink for when this hit. A look of alarm crossed Jack's face. It was the speculum all over again. A slightly smaller scale but still. And this time it had to stay for who knows how long.

Janet burst out laughing again. The look that crossed Jack's face was priceless. He was clearly thinking about tampons. Sara must have been a tampon girl. "Well, Colonel which would you like? The plug or the band-aid?"

Jack cleared his throat. He knew what the plug was he was just trying to recall what the other was. Oh, right the pads things. "Uh, Bandaid please." He groaned inwardly, his only consolation being that the marines would never know about this.

Janet slid her hand into a pocket and brought out a small wrapped package to hand to him. "Here ya go." She smiled, fully expecting what was next.

"Uh, how do I, uh ........ " Jack blushed a deeper shade of red than the stain.

Janet pulled the tab and showed him the contents of the package. "It's pretty self explanatory. There are even pictures. Just for you, Colonel." Janet kept a straight face throughout the dialogue.

The Colonel glared at the Doctor, before snatching the pad from her and going around a corner for some privacy.

The moment he was gone, Janet's self control smashed and she doubled over, laughing so hard streams of salt were running down her face. She stayed that way for several minutes before she finally managed some control. She wiped her face and nose, giggles still escaping her.

Jack returned. His face set in stone. His entire body exuding a 'don't even think it' message. He gestured for Janet to follow him back to where the others were translating, fully aware of the congealing blood on his camos.

Janet kept her mouth shut and silently followed behind. Every now and then stifling yet another giggling fit.

They rejoined the others and Teal'C was the first to notice. "O'Neill why are you .... covered in blood?" Sam covered her mouth, laughter lighting her eyes. And Daniel paled at the sight of the dark stain on his friend's legs.

Jack glared as Janet replied for the Colonel. "Colonel O'Neill has started a menstrual cycle, Teal'C."

Daniel tried to quickly but discreetly check his own legs for any sign of blood but found nothing. He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. He glanced over at Sam who was still smiling from ear to ear. And then swivelled to Janet who had on her 'Doctor's' face.

"Does this mean I'm going to have to go through that too?" Daniel asked.

"I can't say for certain but it would be likely." Janet answered.

"Daniel, have you been feeling any unusual pains or anything?" Sam asked trying to help him catch the flow before it started. Sam giggled at her own pun.

Daniel looked at her, eyebrow arched. "What kind of pains?"

Janet took the floor to answer that one. "A cramping sensation in the lower abdomen."

"You can't miss it." Jack added. "It's like how you feel after eating five day old pizza."

Daniel just looked at him. "I don't eat five day old pizza. I can actually cook something other than takeout or bbq." He snapped.

Sam and Janet looked at each other. "He's about to start." They said in sync.

Daniel stared at the two women. "Start? How can you tell?"

Janet raised an eyebrow. "Daniel, you remember a few months ago the day you came over to help me do some spring cleaning and the ..... snappish mood I was in for most of the day?"

Daniel thought back and paled. "The day you threatened me with no more ... " He trailed off not wanting the others to know the full details. "Oh. Oh boy." He rubbed his face in embarrassment.

Janet smiled tightly. Sam raised an eyebrow at Janet. Teal'C wisely kept his mouth shut and his eyebrows down. Jack was lost as usual. Janet cleared her throat. "Maybe Daniel would like to see the wonders of Midol." She dug into her bag of tricks. She bypassed the chocolate, hoping that wouldn't be needed at all and tightened her hand around the small bottle of heaven. She pulled it out and opened it to tap out four pills. She gave two to the Colonel and then walked over to give the other two to Daniel.

"Why are you giving these to me?" Jack asked.

Sam answered. "Well...you can be kind of cantankerous at the best of times. I think it would be considered preventative medicine." 'Plus kindness for those around you.' Sam added silently.

Jack glared at her for a moment.

"They also help relieve the cramps, Colonel." Janet added.

The men popped the pills into their mouths and chased them down with a gulp of water from their canteens.

Sam dug through Janet's pack and removed a small wrapped package. "Daniel, follow me." Daniel looked at Janet who nodded before following Sam to learn about the small package.

"So, T, how much translation have you guys gotten done?" Jack asked, hoping they had solved the problem and were ready to get him and Daniel changed back to how they were supposed to be.

Teal'C ignored the nickname and answered the question. "We have been unable to find the mechanism to cause the reverse procedure to occur, O'Neill."

Jack nodded. "So what you're saying is that you need more time, right?"

"That is what I said, O'Neill." Teal'C intoned.

"Carry on then." He replied just as Daniel came back. His face bright, bright pink.

Jack looked up and couldn't help himself. "Feels kind of like a phone book, doesn't it?"

Daniel studied Jack for a moment. "I don't know what you're used to but it feels a little more normal now." He smirked slightly.

Jack glared at the archaeologist and then pointed to the tablet Daniel and Teal'C had been translating. Janet and Sam exchanged looks one telling the other the truth. Teal'C, having not followed any of the conversation, kept his own counsel and returned to his task.

Daniel started skimming the rest of the tablet looking for anything that might point him to where the reverse button was in this room while Teal'C and Sam started on the wall nearest the pillar it had started with.

Janet kept her eyes on her two 'patients.' And Jack got bored. Quickly.

After two days of endless searching. Sam and Janet finally were at their wits end. The bottle of Midol was empty. Jack was even more cantankerous than usual. Daniel was acting like he was going through caffeine withdrawal. Teal'C was taking the whole affair with his usual stoicism.

Sam and Janet finally broke out the chocolate.

Daniel and Jack took a break from translating and bugging the heck out of the translator respectively and went outside to munch the chocolate.

"Now I know why women always eat chocolate when they get ... you know." Daniel stated to Jack while they were outside away from the others.

Jack just looked at him with a funny smile on his face. "I think Doc Napoleon would rather you empty the tub of Death by Chocolate she has hidden in the lab freezer than, uh, you know. After all, the two of you are technically female at the moment."

Daniel thought about it for a moment, "You're probably right." He paused. "How did you know about the ice cream?"

"Uh, you remember when Anise showed up with those, uh, armband thingies?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Daniel answered haltingly.

"That's when. I got snooping. You wouldn't believe some of the..or maybe you would." Jack said.

Daniel blushed thinking, 'I really hope he didn't find the pictures.'

Jack saw his opening and moved in for the kill. "I never knew you had so much, uh, 'muscle' under the uniform."

Daniel groaned and let his head fall into his hands. 'I gotta tell Janet to get the rest of the... stuff off the base and keep them in her bag of tricks under the bed.'

Daniel fired the only shot he could think of, that he had stashed away in his mental armoury. "At least I don't start writing love poems to certain majors when I get drunk."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Me? Write poetry?"

Daniel nodded. "I think it started something like: Hair of gold, brightly souled. Light the sky, to my eye."

Jack grimaced at a vague memory of hearing that somewhere before.

Jack quickly shook the memory from his head. He jumped up and reached down to haul Daniel to his feet. By his hair. "Let's go Danny boy, er girl. The sooner we find the reverse button the sooner I can forget I was a woman."

Daniel raised an eyebrow and looked down at himself before turning to Jack. "Somehow Jack I don't think that is something we'll ever forget." He smirked slightly at his comment before disappearing into the temple.

Jack stared after him trying to understand Daniel's smile when it hit him that Daniel had been insulting him with the fact he, Jack, made an awful woman. Jack licked his finger and marked a line on an imaginary scorecard. Daniel was starting to rack up some points now after four years. Maybe Jack was rubbing off on him too much.

Once back in the temple, Jack leaned against a section of the wall while Daniel got an update from Sam and Teal'C on their search for the reverse button as Jack called it.

Daniel glanced over at Jack and noticed some writing by his kneecap. "Um, Jack, could you move a little to the left."

Jack looked at Daniel. "Why?" he asked carefully.

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Because I see a symbol that looks like it may mean reversal. Or possibly inversion, or conversion." Daniel started to ramble. Some things never changed.

Jack held out a hand praying that Daniel would shut up and that the section of wall that he had been working hard at holding up would hold the key to his return to normal. Jack scrambled out of the way as his four teammates dove for that section of the wall.

"Geez, you guys could have waited a little more patiently."

"Sir, do you want to stay a woman forever? There may be a time restriction on how long we have to reverse the process. The whole process itself must be extremely complicated and .."

Jack held up his hands. "I get the point Carter. We wanna hurry."

Daniel and Teal'C began the translation. Three hours later, Sam looked up from Daniel's notepad and stared at the Colonel for a moment before she excused herself to go outside.

A moment after she exited, hysterical laughter echoed back in. Jack turned to Daniel.

"Daniel," Jack asked in his patient but sarcastic tone.

Daniel looked up hesitantly. "Yes, Jack?"

"Why is Carter laughing?"

"Uh. Well Jack, see this is, um, well .. Look do you really want me to explain or do you want this to be over with? Finally." Daniel stared at Jack in a serious manner.

"That bad?"

Daniel licked his lips nervously. "I wouldn't use the term 'bad' so much as .. ridiculous." He nodded his head as he stared at the floor.

"How ridiculous?" Jack asked, wondering if he should just try and beat it out of Daniel.

"Well...um. The packs were covering this section of the wall when we were here before and um... well all we have to do is stepbackintothecircleandhavesomeonepressthebuttonagain." Daniel raced through the steps hoping Jack wouldn't notice how simple it was.

Jack was confused for a moment then exploded. "All we had to do was stay there and have Carter press the button again?!?" Jack was about to pound Daniel to a pulp when he remembered one thing. "Where is the button?"

"Uh, where Sam was leaning." Daniel stated with more confidence than he felt.

Janet raised an eyebrow at him. "And where was that?" She glanced at Sam, who had just entered looking a little teary eyed. "Sam where were you standing?" the CMO asked the blond major.

"Uh, this pillar." Sam stared at the pillar in question. "Somewhere," she muttered to herself.

Teal'C quietly and casually made his way over to where Sam had been standing when this fiasco had started. Like Daniel, he too had learned a few things from his Tauri friends that had similarly rubbed off on him. Like when enough was enough. He picked his words carefully, well aware of Jack's present frame of mind, as it were.

"This is the button MajorCarter touched when you were standing in the circle." In a tone that demanded everyone take their places.

Moments later Jack let out a "Yes!" Followed by a ka'ching motion with his arm. Which unfortunately ripped the last few threads holding his uniform together. The only things protecting his modesty were the two uniform jackets tied firmly around his waist.

Daniel saw what happened to Jack before he moved. "Um... Did anyone think to bring some uniforms in our usual sizes?"

Teal'C was already reaching for his pack to remove the uniforms. He wanted to help Jack preserve his sense of masculinity. From what he could see, Daniel needed no such help.

Teal'C placed the uniforms on the alter and ushered the women from the room so the men could change in relative privacy.

Once they were gone, Daniel shredded what was left of his uniform in a hurry to get his regular gear on. Including his regular underwear. He threw the cotton panties he had been wearing as far away from him as possible. 'No way am I ever dressing as Frankenfurter for Janet the next time we go see Rocky Horror. Rocky maybe, but not Frankenfurter.'

Jack stripped the jackets off him in record time and quickly jumped into his own normal clothes but not before doing an equipment check to make sure he had all the right kind. "Why do these things have to happen to us all the time?"

"Our luck of the draw?" Daniel said cautiously.

"Yeah right. We're the flag team. We should have all the famous and easy missions. Or at least all the ones with the babes." Jack said stubbornly.

"Now I know you're starting to feel like yourself, Jack. You're being an arrogant s.o.b." Daniel stated. He looked down in relief to see there weren't 'roadblocks' in his way. He never thought he'd be so glad not to see a pair of breasts so close. He mentally shook himself.

He looked up at Teal'C and then over to Jack. "Okay you two it's safe to come back in now."

Janet huffed indignantly. "As if I haven't seen you both in the all-together, somehow or other."

Jack raised his finger to halt her. "Yes, but we aren't in the infirmary and we aren't injured. Anymore." He smiled smugly at the CMO.

Janet smiled softly. "Yes, but you'll need a post mission physical when we get back. And I for one am looking forward to at least one."

Daniel blushed profusely.

Jack groaned slightly at the idea of yet another physical so soon. But shrugged. At least he was a guy this time. "All right kids let's go home." The five gathered up their refuse and gear and started for the Stargate.

Daniel feeling like himself finally dialled the team home. General Hammond welcomed his team back with a smile of relief and dismissed them for Drs. Fraiser and Warner to do the physicals.

As the five strode down the halls towards the infirmary, a thought struck Jack.

"Who's got the security tapes?"

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> This was written so long ago and had been posted on FF.net but was taken down probably a decade ago. I just figured it should go up here now.


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